Specialist Charles Graner is facing 17 1/2 years behind bars for abusing detainees at the notorious Abu Ghraib prison. As part of a plea bargain, three former guards testified that Graner smiled and joked while sexually tormenting and roughing up prisoners. They also described in detail a leather leash used to humiliate inmates. Pvt. Chip Frederick II recounted Graner punching an inmate in the side of the head and recalled lurid scenes of “nudity and handcuffing of prisoners to the doors.” Pvt. Jeremy Sivits added that one inmate was cuffed so tightly he “thought he was going to lose his hands.” Sivits did, however, remember Cpl. Graner saying, “Hey, we’re just doing what we were told.”

And that’s precisely the point, argued Graner’s attorney, Guy Womack. Womack suggested that images of naked prisoners stacked on top of each other proved his client was merely following orders. “He did not hide those photographs. They all had digital cameras.” Besides, Womack offered, “Don’t cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?” As for the infamous leather leash, Womack opined, “A tether is a valid control to be used in corrections. In Texas we’d Lasso them and drag them.” He then posited that the leash was no less innocuous than tethers used on toddlers at the mall.

The feds are so Hell-bent on painting Graner as the mastermind and truncating the trail of culpability, that, despite Graner’s feckless representation, the prosecution trotted out former inmate and presumed terrorist Ameed Al-Sheikh, who described the defendant as “the primary torturer … [and] a man who hurt his country.” While this may be true, it is a given that no soldier so much as takes a piss in Iraq without sanction from Donald Rumsfeld. And while our Attorney General-nominee promises to “aggressively pursue those responsible” for “torture and abuse,” it was Alberto Gonzales himself who advocated circumventing the Geneva Convention and who promoted the use of torture. It would be only fitting, then, for Gonzales to attend his Senate confirmation hearing with electrified wires stapled to his nut sack and a black hood pulled over his head. As it stands, Gonzo need only endure the foamy, verbal feltching of Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE): “We’re looking for candor, old buddy. I love you, but you’re not very candid so far.” Better to give a real man, like Lindsey Graham (R-SC), control of the cattle prod and watch the sparks fly: “I respectfully disagree [ZAP]… neither obsolete or quaint [CRAKLE]… legal obligations [CROTCH BURSTS INTO FLAMES].”

Also consumed by the fire of controversy, four top executives at CBS were terminated for their role in a pre-election 60 Minutes broadcast that centered on forged documents damning President Bush’s Vietnam era service. The memos, ostensibly written by Bush’s now-deceased commander Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, said that Bush failed to take a required medical exam and that Killian was pressured from above to dress up W’s evaluation. The documents, written on a word processor not extant during the war, were so patently fake that Dan Rather’s initial defiance only served to exacerbate the situation. An independent investigation spearheaded by former Attorney General Richard Thornburgh, however, failed to uncover any evidence of “political bias” at the network even though the segment’s producer, Mary Mapes, put the story’s source in touch with Kerry advisor Joe Lockhart. In the end, what’s truly important is that the investigation never determined whether the content of the memo was indeed inaccurate. In fact, the assertions put forth by CBS were later corroborated by Killian’s secretary. So Bush skates again. White House spokesman Scott McClellan smugly told reporters, “CBS has taken steps to hold people accountable and we appreciate those steps.”

Later in the press conference, McClellan attempted to obfuscate the $240,000 bribe paid by the administration to syndicated columnist Armstrong Williams: “Questions have been raised about that arrangement, it ought to be looked into.” The lucre was offered as inducement for Williams to pimp the No Child Left Behind education scheme and has tainted conservatives like Sean Hannity with the specter of shilling for the government while claiming journalistic independence. Congressional leaders were so rankled by the disclosure that they sent President Bush a letter stating: “Covert propaganda to influence public opinion is unethical and dangerous.”

The White House responded with a quote from Joseph Goebbels: “Propaganda has only one object – to conquer the masses. Every means that furthers this aim is good; every means that hinders it is bad.” So I guess it’s a bummer that Armstong got axed by Tribune Media and a host of other newspapers. One Florida editor justified her decision by saying, “He violated a public trust.” Another from Mississippi called him “nothing but another darkie taking undeserved handouts from government.” Though Williams is refusing to return the money, he does concede, “I crossed some ethical lines. I’ve learned from this. It will never happen again.” Don’t hold your breath.