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GIVING THANKS
11/30/2007
This Holiday Season, given the slanted shadows of terrorism, avian flu and tortured, strike-induced reruns of “John from Cincinnati” and “Cop Rock,” you’d be well served to reflect on your relationship with God...  MORE >>

THE CHINA SYNDROME
10/1/2007
The Chinese economy has been growing at 12% a year, mostly, it now seems, on the back of exporting industrial waaste cleverly repackaged as deadly consumer products.  MORE >>

ANNUS REHABUS
9/10/2007
Contrary to published reports, my last twelve months were not spent undercover with special ops forces in Iraq. Call me a coward...  MORE >>

LOST IN TRANSLATION
10/29/2006
Go figure. Alberto Fernandez, a senior US State Department official, is fluent in, of all tongues, Arabic. By virtue of his unexpected linguistic aptitude, Sr. Fernandez landed an interview on al-Jazeera   MORE >>

ONE STROKE, DUNN
10/10/2006
Republican Jeanine Pirro, running for New York Attorney General, took umbrage over the timing of an investigation into her attempt to eavesdrop on her (supposedly) cheating husband.  MORE >>

TORTUROUS
9/22/2006
President Bush was so incensed when several prominent Republican senators voted down his plan to legalize torture that he tore through the Rose Garden on his tricycle and...  MORE >>

SIS BOOM BAH
9/9/2006
Republican Jonathan L. Payton is an otherwise obscure state legislator seeking reelection in Arizona. But Payton is also an intelligence officer in the Army Reserve and has asked... asked to be deployed to Iraq.   MORE >>

NO LIQUIDS!
9/1/2006
It was bad enough that these School Prayer-Terri Schiavo-Ten Commandment-Mt. Soledad-loving zealots attacked gay marriage, evolution, stem cell researdh and reproductive rights. But targeting hotel porn is going way, way too far.  MORE >>

CIVIL WAR
8/12/2006
I sure hope Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig sobers up enough to follow the Tour de France doping scandal. With odd on favorites Ivan Basso and Jan Ullrich tossed out...  MORE >>

LAKE GENEVA
7/11/2006
While the Pesident's Billionaire tax cuts helped grease Warren Buffet's transfer of thirty large to Bill Gates, they have forced the government into some convoluted choices...  MORE >>

ALL TURNED 'ROUND
6/15/2006
A few scant weeks ago, the Democrats, still searching for a charasmatic avatar amid the many briny heads bobbing across a sea of feckless ineptitude, seemed nonetheless poised to take back Congress.  MORE >>

LANGUES DU CHAT
5/25/2006
According to the National Hurricane Center, the summer of 2006 will usher another devastating storm season, with at least dozen named disturbances headed our way. And while the Army Corps of Engineers feverishly completes levee repairs before the Mississippi River and Lake Ponachartrain endeavor to commingle their fluids like, say, Jesus and Mary Magdalene  MORE >>

YOUR WORLD
5/20/2006
The recent spate of corporate mergers has given us a new AT&T, and with it a new slogan: Your world. Delivered. What the telcom honchos forgot to mention is that your world is being delivered directly to the National Security Agency. Contrary to administration claims that its spy program is "targeted and focused" on "a limited number of people"...   MORE >>

MY ANALYST
5/8/2006
My analyst has been scratching his head (at $125 an hour, mind you), trying to figure out exactly why I am so exercised over the prospect of Barry Bonds surpassing Babe Ruth. True, Bonds is a self-focused, condescending athlete who cheats by using steroids, but then again so are countless others.  MORE >>

TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS
4/27/2006
With George Bush’s approval rating in the low thirties, Republicans are stampeding away from what is shaping up as the worst presidency in American History. And while no one wants to be identified with the most corrupt and inept administration this side of Uganda, Mayor Michael Bloomberg surprised many by expanding the Big Apple’s food stamp program.  MORE >>

A REAL SLEEPER
4/17/2006
Log onto Ambien.com and you’re met with the promise that “Tomorrow will thank you.” According to a rash of lawsuits, however, tomorrow hasn’t been exactly thrilled with last night. A growing number of patients are reporting disturbing patterns of behavior while under the influence of the controversial sleeping pill. Several wrecked their cars while sleep-driving, while others absent-mindedly shopped on line. One man in India even divorced his wife while snoozing.  MORE >>

3 STRIKES, YOU'RE OUT
3/27/2006
Baseball, as distinct from other major sports, has embedded within it the curious goal of winding up exactly where you started -- namely, home plate. That hulking athletes like Barry Bonds require steroids to achieve so little remains a stubborn mystery. Yet it was Japan, with its roster of willowy players, which secured the inaugural World Baseball Classic championship in San Diego.   MORE >>

CRASH
3/8/2006
Inviting the Arabs to secure our ports is like asking the Mexicans to guard our borders. And the UAE, regardless of Mr. Bush’s claims to the contrary, is no ally in the war on terror. According to the FBI, $120,000 was funneled through Dubai to the 9/11 hijackers and most of the operational planning for the attack took place on their soil.  MORE >>

ONE DICK OR ANOTHER
2/24/2006
With Harry Whittington out of the hospital and back to the business of suing widows and orphans, it’s a safe bet we’ll soon forget the disbursement pattern and recoil characteristics of Dick Cheney’s Italian-made Perazzi firearm. But before we do, I’d like another swipe at assessing his marksmanship.  MORE >>

SOPRANOS ON ICE
2/13/2006
Reading from a prepared text, Mr. Bush laboriously recounted Khalid Sheik Mohammad’s diabolical plans: “Rather than use Arab[s]… Mohammad sought out young men from Southeast Asia [to] hijack an airplane using shoe bombs to breach the cockpit door, and fly the plane into the tallest building on the West Coast… the Liberty Tower in Los Angeles.” The fly in the NSA ointment, of course, is that there is no Liberty Tower in L.A., though you can certainly find one in New York, Tokyo, Las Vegas or half a dozen other major cities.  MORE >>

STATE OF THE UNION
2/3/2006
After two decades as Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan finally donned the cardigan sweater of retirement. Say what you will about the housing bubble, record deficits and the banking system’s time bomb of derivative securities, the man kept a cast iron lid on inflation. Which is important because prices shouldn’t go up simply because you’ve had another birthday. And yet they do.  MORE >>

TUBBY AND THE BEARD
1/24/2006
Although Sen. Joseph Biden’s (D-DE) recent Judiciary bloviating may have circumcised his oft-tumescent presidential aspirations, it’s way too early to handicap the 2008 Democratic race. Conventional wisdom notwithstanding, prospective challengers Al Gore and Osama Bin Laden delivered major speeches last week.  MORE >>

BAREBACK MOUNTAIN
1/12/2006
Congressman Tom DeLay formally resigned as House Majority Leader, and though he promises to run for reelection in November, his political career, upon closer examination, looks deader than Richard Pryor’s last joke.  MORE >>

SPY VS SPY
12/29/2005
Nashville hardly noticed when President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans for “blocking indecent and Western music from the Islamic Republic of Iran.” Patrons of the Grand Ole Opry kept right on with their business of drinking beer, chewing tobacco and lamenting the sight of another man’s pickup in their cousin’s driveway. But they -- like so many Fox News anchors -- were ineluctably haunted by the prospect of an increasingly secularized (and homogenized) shopping season.  MORE >>

THE GRINCH
12/16/2005
And yet, the mall seems like earthly paradise compared to the Abu Ghraib-like torture chamber of… the airport. Nasty ticket agents, long lines, rubber-gloved security guards, cancelled flights… and that’s what awaits on a good day. More likely that not, the airline you’re flying on is in bankruptcy; so don’t expect a lot of service.   MORE >>

MATCHING SETS
12/7/2005
Dick Cheney, who without serving a single day in the military has risen to such distinction as to be labeled the “vice president for torture” by former CIA chief Stansfield Turner, blasted Democrats for practicing “revisionism of the most corrupt and shameless variety.”   MORE >>

THE PUSSY GENE
11/30/2005
With boots still dusty from his recent expedition to Baghdad, Congressman John Murtha (D-PA) somberly described the Iraqi occupation as nothing but a “flawed policy wrapped in an illusion.” Unfortunately for the Republicans, Murtha cannot be flippantly dismissed as some leftie dope-smoking liberal. 37 years in the Marines, two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star lend gravitas to his call for an immediate withdrawal and his assessment that “We’re part of the problem.” Predictably, the Neo Cons sent out the attack dogs.   MORE >>

THE GREAT CORNHOLIO
11/18/2005
Christ, the battle over Intelligent Design is really heating up. In Tennessee last week an existential high school student, jarred by the revelation that evolution could not adequately account for his being, abruptly converted to nihilism and shot three administrators at close range.  MORE >>

THE SPORTING NEWS
11/4/2005
Well, the Chicago White Sox have done it, claiming their first championship since 1917. Players on the official World Series roster will receive a fat bonus (well over $100,000) and a nice, shiny ring to commemorate their victory. Given the momentous occasion, a few extra pieces of bling should be handed out as well.   MORE >>

ELMER GANTRY
10/26/2005
With the highest inflation in 25 years and the lowest consumer confidence reading in as many months, it appears that the petroleum industry’s usury is beginning to suffocate the economy. Yet that’s not why Congress rejected a ninth consecutive pay raise. Looking towards the next election cycle, rank and file legislators didn’t want to appear excessively greedy while their leaders are under investigation for insider trading and money laundering.   MORE >>

THE AUSTRIAN THING
10/20/2005
Time may well be the greatest thief. It loiters in the shadows before sauntering out to callously rob our heroes of the very attributes which brought them fame or fortune. The notion of an addled Ronald Reagan silently propped on a couch or of Michael Jordan in a Washington Wizards uniform, straining to lift a basketball to the level of the rim endures as a pathetic coda to rather brilliant history. This inexorable decline is even more precipitous for our ersatz heroes (e.g. movie stars) for whom imagery – and not substance – is the fount of notoriety. Vin Diesel’s decay, unlike that of, say, Stephen Hawking, will simply be too obvious to go unnoticed. And there’s the rub. What, for example, becomes of a Sylvester Stallone who can’t even make it on television? Truth be told, Sly has been reduced to marketing a line of ready-to-eat protein-rich puddings. Pitiful. Hey, am I the only guy who thinks that protein pudding sounds kinda gay? You know, like throat yogurt. Does Sly offer gay flavors like Castro Street Cappuccino and Fire Island Fudge? I certainly hope not. Regardless, even Stallone realizes that man cannot survive on pudding alone. As such, the ageing action star is resuscitating both the Rocky and Rambo franchises in a desperate attempt to turn back the clock.   MORE >>

WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE
10/13/2005
It is often said that events of the past repeat themselves. A useful exercise, therefore, would be to revisit ancient times, such as when the Roman Empire used military might and technological prowess to hold sway over much of the civilized world. Plundering, raping, vomiting; life was good.  MORE >>

HARRY, DON'T DELAY
10/5/2005
When former House Leader Tom DeLay characterized his conspiracy charge as “one of the weakest and most baseless indictments in American history,” District Attorney Ronnie Earle was listening attentively. As a result, two new indictments have been handed down, including one for money laundering.  MORE >>

CROOKS AND NANNIES
9/29/2005
With House Majority leader Tom Delay under indictment, the Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, shoulders the arduous task of feigning innocence while defending Martha Stewart-like charges regarding the prescient sale of his HCA stock. HCA owns 200 hospitals and was founded by Frist’s father; his brother currently sits on the board.   MORE >>

RIPLEY'S
9/23/2005
In Washington, conflict of interest rules, long considered prickly obstacles to self-dealing, are today but quaint relics, like rose petals dried and pressed between the pages of a dusty family album. These laws have been so routinely violated -- both publicly (Halliburton) and privately (Carlyle Group) -- that it seemed de rigueur, in 2004, for Diebold CEO Walden O'Dell to declare he was firmly “committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president.”   MORE >>

40 DAYS
9/15/2005
Even as the floodwaters were sluicing back over the levees, Hurricane Katrina reached back to claim yet another victim. Michael Brown, the embattled head of FEMA, finally succumbed to the axe. The spin-doctors will say he resigned, but, hey, they’ll also argue that Mayor Nagin should have single-handedly saved every soul in New Orleans with three rickety school buses and a day old McGriddle sandwich.  MORE >>

LABOR DAYS
9/9/2005
For those of us lucky enough not to live in New Orleans or Biloxi, ordinary life, the bulk of which passes unremarkably, simply goes on. Labor Day has fallen away like a desiccated leaf, and that means America’s children are grudgingly shuffling back to school.   MORE >>

SHOOTIN' AND LOOTIN'
9/2/2005
The devastation of the Gulf Coast is beyond horrifying, and, sadly, what incalculable damage was rendered by nature is being compounded by bands of lawless survivors. One Hollywood agent described the carnage playing out on his 50” plasma screen as Mad Max meets Waterworld.   MORE >>

KILL THE LANDLORD
8/27/2005
Calling the pullout “essential for Israel,” Prime Minister Ariel Sharon began the wrenching process of deracinating Jews from their encampments. Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas sniffed that the relocation, “is a very important and historical step, but it is an initial step that should take place not only in Gaza, but in the West Bank, east Jerusalem and especially L.A.’s Fairfax district.”   MORE >>

DEAD IN OHIO
8/16/2005
A special election saw Iraqi War veteran Paul Hackett come within a whisker of defeating his Republican challenger in Ohio’s second Congressional district. Though the dust has firmly settled, the now-customary questions concerning fraud still reverberate around Cincinnati: How, for example, did humidity turn a tight race into a 5,000-vote victory for nut bag Jean Schmidt?  MORE >>

DEAD MAN WALKING
8/3/2005
The embarrassing revelation that Bob and Mary Schindler’s infamous Mylar balloon video featured a blind Terri Shiavo does little to advance Bill Frist’s prospects as a diagnostician. As such, Frist, who promises to leave the Senate when his term expires, will be hard pressed to resurrect his medical career and will need a job demanding neither intellect nor integrity.   MORE >>

DISGUISE'S THE LIMIT
7/28/2005
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected under unusual post-recall circumstances, running as an unusual kind of Republican; you know, the kind that looks and smells like a Democrat. As a pro-choice member of the Kennedy clan, the Planet Hollywood immigrant began his political career touting Proposition 49, which bolstered after school programs.  MORE >>

THE ENTERTAINMENT ISSUE
7/18/2005
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MALAPROPAGANDA
7/8/2005
Nursing an anemic 42% approval rating, President Bush tried to drum up support for the quagmire in Iraq by delivering a televised speech to the nation. Unfortunately, nobody was tuned in when he proclaimed that we are fighting an ideology that “rejects tolerance, and despises all dissent.”  MORE >>

EMINENT DOMAIN CHANDON
7/2/2005
By a five to four vote, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the right of local governments to seize private property earmarked for commercial development and corporate profiteering. While a highway or school is indisputably a “public use” within the takings clause of the Fifth Amendment, what kind of depraved logic elevates a Starbucks above the bar?   MORE >>

THE RACE CARD
6/22/2005
Shortly after letting Michael Jackson skip out of the courtroom, one juror clarified the acquittal’s symbolism for reporters: “That’s not to say he’s an innocent man… He probably has molested boys.” Foreman Paul Rodriguez even cautioned the pop star “to be careful how he conducts himself around children.”  MORE >>

3'S COMPANY
6/8/2005
Prior to the advent of Ebonics, I could never figure out how “Arithmetic” became one leg of the tripod of learning known as the three R’s. As a matter of fact, “Writing” didn’t make much sense either until I realized that schoolteachers were mostly pushers trying to get the kids hooked on phonics.  MORE >>

PILLS AND SWILLS
6/2/2005
During his second debate with John Kerry, President Bush warned us that re-importing prescription drugs from Canada was a deadly proposition. It would prove more insidious, he argued, than COX II inhibitors and more dangerous than Medicare negotiating bulk discounts with American pharmaceutical companies.  MORE >>

OLD SCHOOL
5/27/2005
On Tuesday the House of Representatives approved legislation relaxing limits on embryonic stem cell research despite President Bush’s objection: “I’ve made it very clear to the Congress that the use of federal money, taxpayers’ money, to promote science which destroys life in order to save life – I’m against that. And therefore if the bill does that, I will veto it.” Later, surrounded by 21 test-tube babies gathered at the White House, Mr. Bush reiterated that he, alone, is best suited to interpret God’s will.   MORE >>

NOT-SO-FRIENDLY SKIES
5/20/2005
Earlier this month, Newsweek reported that U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushed a Koran down a toilet. The news sparked riots from Afghanistan to Indonesia, prompting White House spokesman Scott McClellan to say, “The report has had serious consequences. People have lost their lives.”   MORE >>

CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH
5/12/2005
I guess good pedophiles are hard to find. Bishop Leonard Blair of the Toledo Catholic Diocese recently admitted that should Senate Bill 17 become law, it would “be of serious concern to all of us.” Blair is nervous that an amendment extending the statute of limitations against child-molesting clergy will turn northern Ohio into eastern Newfoundland, where the Diocese of St. Georges was forced to sell all their churches in order to compensate abuse victims.   MORE >>

GIRLS, GUNS AND GRAFT
5/6/2005
Southern California’s Orange County may have emerged from Chapter 9 back in 1996, but the practical, if unofficial, end of its bankruptcy saga was marked by a recently approved bond-refinancing package. [Newsflash for vidiots: The O.C., unlike the Smallville or Genoa City inside your TV, is a REAL place.]   MORE >>

VASELINE
4/29/2005
Whether they used Astroglide, K-Y Jelly or Big Jim’s Skid n’ Slide, the President and Crown Prince Abdullah did little to dispel rumors that, for generations, the Bushes have been in bed with the Saudis. When W. begged his Highness to lower oil prices, the hand was tipped as to who’s face would be in the pillow.  MORE >>

WILLIE'S BACK
4/21/2005
Ever since the 2004 election, Ohio has displaced Florida as the locus of voter fraud, becoming, in effect, the tipping point for our demise. The good news for the tourist-hungry pimps at the Miami-Dade Chamber of Commerce is that the Sunshine State will forever be regarded as ground zero in the Terri Schiavo crusade.   MORE >>

CULTURE OF LIFE
4/15/2005
Pursuant to sections 317 and 507 of the Federal Communications Act, I am obligated to inform you that the following content was produced in its entirety by the Department of Housing and Urban Development.   MORE >>

REAR VIEW MIRROR
4/4/2005
In politics, as in life, hindsight is construed to be 20/20. This dorsal visual acuity should be unsparingly used, according to cynics, to back over anything you may hit with your car, as it is always better to commit a heinous crime without survivors than a lesser one with witnesses. Yet, on occasion, those beyond the grave stubbornly continue to operate among the living: Tupac still cranks out CDs, the Pope has scuttled Prince Charles’ apostatic nuptials, and Terri Schiavo is fast becoming the poster child for judicial reform.
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TERRY BONDS
3/26/2005
Because the House Committee on Government Reform has the power to subpoena witnesses but not the power to enforce laws, dragging in a roster of bulked-up baseball players amounts to little more than a PR stunt. Chairman Tom Davis clambered up on his soapbox and declared that performance-enhancing drugs have become a “public-health crisis,” with “over half a million youth… using steroids.”   MORE >>

WHERE'S THE BEEF
3/17/2005
In their pivotal presidential debate, Ronald Reagan scolded a gloomy Jimmy Carter with the famous barb, “There you go again.” A phrase that resonates each time I see George Bush reach into his handy barrel of terror alerts.   MORE >>

LITTLE TITO
3/11/2005
Sensing opportunity, Michael Jackson wore pajamas to court the day a teenage boy was scheduled to testify. The pubescent witness recalled that Jackson “had his left hand in my brother’s underwears,” and that on another occasion the pop star approached them while completely nude and in a state of full tumescence.   MORE >>

HOCKEY SEASON
3/5/2005
Freshly ensconced Attorney General Alberto Gonzles was quick to outline his priorities when he publicly declared: “Obscene materials are not protected by the First Amendment, and I am committed to prosecuting these crimes aggressively.” His speech was regrettably murky on the idea of filing charges against Abu Ghraib detainees who screamed “Mother Fucker” during scrotal electrification.  MORE >>

A LATERAL MOVE
2/27/2005
The Supreme Court has agreed to take on the nation’s only assisted suicide law and not a moment too soon for thirty-seven-year-old Stephen Dale Barbee. Barbee’s pregnant girlfriend was critically despondent and ready to give up on life after a career wasted in a Fort Worth bagel shop. So he consented to hold a pillow over her face.  MORE >>

HAMMERIN' HANK
2/18/2005
Former baseball star Jose Canseco is brazenly accusing numerous players, including pitcher Roger Clemens, of doping up with steroids and proudly acknowledges injecting several of them with his own hands. Wielding a title so laborious that its contents become superfluous, Canseco’s just-released book, “Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big,” casts a pall on the game’s most compelling triumphs, including the magical 1998 season when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa both obliterated Roger Maris’ home run record.  MORE >>

CROSS
2/9/2005
According to the 2005 Pontifical Yearbook, the world has 1.086 billion Catholics. And they all held their breath last week as Pope John Paul II was hospitalized with laryngeal spasms and an acute respiratory infection.  MORE >>

POST KINSEY
2/5/2005
Several colleagues tried to dissuade me from extolling last week’s missive in which I predicted every corporation would inexorably congeal into a single behemoth. But how can I resist given the intervening week has seen Proctor & Gamble swallow Gillette and SBC initiate AT&T’s demise?  MORE >>

SOCIAL INSECURITY
1/27/2005
Can you believe George Bush was sworn in to his second term as Debaucher of the Free World? Members of Congress were so giddy at the prospect, that for the first time anyone can remember, they refused to appropriate funds to pay for the inauguration.  MORE >>

4 GONE CONCLUSION
1/20/2005
They say that revenge is a dish best served cold; Cowboys fans are no doubt smacking their lips after Roy Williams crippled receiver Terrell Owens four long years after he taunted them with two post-touchdown poses on the 50 yard line of Texas Stadium. Given the bitch slapping administered by George Teague on the midfield star, Owens must have thought his Karmic debt was definitely paid in full when his agent’s negligence last year consigned him to Baltimore.   MORE >>

TIDAL WAVE OF TROUBLES
1/6/2005
Republicans Challenge Tsunami Death Toll – Dick Cheney demands recount. Citing irregularities (e.g. orphans smuggled to Java by human traffickers) in Bandah Aceh and friction between rebel forces and government agents in Sri Lanka, the Vice President said that an accurate body count was all but impossible.  MORE >>

MERRY X-MAS
12/24/2004
The Alliance Defense Fund and the Liberty Legal Institute have filed suit against the Plano, Texas Independent School District for removing Baby Jesus from their unholy “Winter Festival.” Disturbingly, the Department of Justice, in violation of the time-honored tenet separating Church and State, has agreed to investigate the situation.  MORE >>

A BYTE OR TWO OF HEMLOCK
12/15/2004
The sale of IBM’s personal computer division to China’s Lenovo marks a new low in the decline of American manufacturing. Now we can’t even do technology.   MORE >>

TOMATO CHILDREN
12/9/2004
Gee, Officer, I knew she was a hooker but I had no idea she was only 14. Such is the plausibility of Barry Bond’s lame excuse that he took steroids without realizing it. By way of contrast, Yankees slugger Jason Giambi acknowledged his performance-enhancing praxis before a not-so-secret grand jury.  MORE >>

PLYMOUTH ROCK
12/1/2004
A recent New York Times article lamented the declining availability of VBAC (vaginal birth after Caesarean) deliveries in American hospitals. These procedures occur only a third as often as a decade ago, though most women prefer “natural” delivery because it promises less pain, quicker recovery, and a 12-month excuse to stop banging their husbands.   MORE >>

TO THE VIKTOR GO THE SPOILS
11/24/2004
Tens of thousand of protesters filled the streets of Kiev protesting the results of a fiercely contested presidential election. Hard line candidate Viktor Yanukovych was handed a razor-thin victory over his more Western challenger despite what poll observers described as multiple voting and inflated turnout figures in Yanukovych's stronghold districts.  MORE >>

MOVIN' OUT
11/18/2004
Though Sears, Roebuck & Co. has indefatigably proven itself to be a markedly shoddy retailer, the stock jumped 23% last week on news that Vornado Realty Trust acquired more than four percent of the company. When the shares surged past $45, earnings were barely expected to clear $1.50, making for a rather expensive proposition despite valuable brands like Kenmore, Craftsman and Land’s End.   MORE >>

LAST STAGE FOR TOMBSTONE
11/11/2004
Resplendent in his emblematic keffiyeh and a flowing hospital gown, Yasser Arafat spent several days lightly treading that narrow hallway between life and death. Comatose in a military facility outside Paris, the Palestinian leader finally passed on, unshackled from questions surrounding his funeral and his final place of rest.   MORE >>

A BUM RAP
11/3/2004
If God was trying to erase the horrible stain of the 2000 election by striking down Chief Justice William Rehnquist with thyroid cancer, He did a lousy job. Florida, Ohio, what’s the difference; we’re all fucked now.   MORE >>

BOMBS AWAY
10/27/2004
Anyone been in Jeb Bush’s garage lately? I ask because U.S. Postal Service agents are scrambling to find thousands of absentee ballots that have yet to be received by Florida voters.   MORE >>

FCCU-CME
10/20/2004
Finished with the task of stuffing $500 million into Howard Stern’s pockets, the FCC has progressed to consecrating Sinclair Broadcast Group’s plan to air the anti-Kerry film Stolen Honor only days before the general election. While the move is seen by cynics as a quid pro quo for prohibiting its ABC affiliates from showing Ted Koppel reciting a list of U.S. troops killed in Iraq and for requiring on-screen journalists (including sportscasters and weathermen) to pledge support for President Bush, the feds tried to pose as impartial.  MORE >>

EARLY AND OFTEN
10/13/2004
Mayor Richard Daily enjoined the denizens of Chicago to vote early and often. And while it’s true that the last JFK was carried to the White House on the shoulders of corpses, this week’s elections in Afghanistan have citizens around the world scratching their heads over this thing called Democracy.   MORE >>

VOTE FOR PEDRO
10/6/2004
When President Bush boasted that, “I saw a poll that said the right track / wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America,” I immediately logged onto Orbitz and bought a one-way ticket to Toronto. Burning the last of my Delta Sky Miles, I upgraded to seat 4B, right between Paul Bremer and Colin Powell.   MORE >>

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF
9/29/2004
The Tonight Show announced that host Jay Leno is being yanked in favor of Conan O’Brien. But before you crack open the champagne and reprogram your TiVo, remember that O’Brien will remain at helm of Late Night until 2009 which will afford ample opportunity to shed what little talent he brings to the screen.  MORE >>

WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY KENNETH
9/22/2004
In October 1986, CBS anchor Dan Rather claimed he was attacked from behind and beaten into the Manhattan pavement. He reported his assailant delivered a relentless series of blows and repeatedly demanded, “Kenneth, what is the frequency?”   MORE >>

WMDECEIVED AGAIN
9/15/2004
A failed leader who has held his subjects captive despite pissing away huge financial surpluses on large-scale failures and squandering copious international support has, after an agonizing turn at the helm, finally agreed to step down. A man whose underhanded and paranoid machinations have laid waste to friend and foe alike while casting a blight on the hapless multitudes in his charge.   MORE >>

THE TRAVOLTA SYNDROME
9/8/2004
The White House trumpeted a 144,000 gain in August payrolls with 22,000 manufacturing jobs thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, a hefty chunk of these were auto workers who returned after month-long retooling shutdowns just in time to get their pink slips.   MORE >>

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM
9/1/2004
Better go with the chicken. The EPA announced that fish throughout the nation’s waterways are contaminated with mercury leading 48 states to issue warnings against consumption.   MORE >>

RAT PACK VETERANS FOR TRUTH
8/25/2004
“Frank Sinatra saved my life,” begins an old joke. “I’m in Vegas and six goons are beating the crap out of me in the Sands parking lot. I am about to lose consciousness when out of nowhere Sinatra comes up and says, ‘Okay, boys, that’s enough.’”   MORE >>

CRUDE MARRIAGE
8/18/2004
The very week that saw the California Supreme Court void nearly 4,000 same-sex marriages sanctioned in San Francisco, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey resigned after admitting to engaging in a “consensual” homosexual affair. With his wife Dina at his side, McGreevey asked for forgiveness as he announced, “My truth is that I am a gay American and [that] shamefully, I indulged… with another man, which violated the bonds of matrimony.”   MORE >>

STEPPED ON A POP TOP
8/11/2004
Last month the Bush Administration reneged on its May 4, 2001 promise to uphold a roadless area conservation rule protecting 58 million acres of national forests. Sadly, this is more than just the latest example of a White House with more flip-flops than a Jimmy Buffet concert.   MORE >>

THE WAYBACK MACHINE
8/4/2004
Sick of playing the home version of ABC’s “Wife Swap”, parents of the Little Jets soccer team decided to spend our Thursday evening post-game gathering following more childish pursuits. After we’d exhausted the ecstasy and all our finger-paints, our neighbor led a session of “One of These Things is Not Like the Others… One of These Things Just Doesn’t Belong.”   MORE >>

THE TRIUMPH OF STUPIDITY
7/29/2004
Much of what has gone down at the Democratic National Convention in Boston early this week was thoroughly predictable: Howard Dean and Ted Kennedy as rabid, foam-mouthed rabble rousers, Jimmy Carter furthering his status as our noblest ex-president, and Bill Clinton delivering the best oratory we’ve heard in years. And who but the mentally ill could have failed to anticipate the insignificance of Al Gore or the sequestering of Michael Dukakis in a Worchester farmhouse?   MORE >>

SALAD DAYS
7/21/2004
When Senate Republicans failed to force a vote banning same-sex marriage, President Bush repined, “I am deeply disappointed that the effort was temporarily blocked in the Senate and I urge the House of Representatives to pass this amendment.” Arnold Schwarzenegger bitched that the legislators were a bunch of “girlie-men” who should be “terminated.” Rep. John Hostettler (R-IN-Hetero) offered a novel way to vitiate to gay nuptials by way of a “jurisdiction stripping” bill.   MORE >>

THE GREAT HOAX
7/13/2004
It was seventeen years ago in New York that Tawana Brawley jacketed herself with Al Sharpton’s feces and claimed that six white police officers kidnapped and raped her. Despite conspiracy allegations that extended to the Governor’s mansion, the entire episode turned out to have been staged. So it may be today in the bizarre case of Marine Cpl. Wassef Ali Hassoun who was supposedly captured by Islamic militants west of Baghdad. Al Jazeera broadcast images of a blindfolded Hassoun cowering under the blade of a sword and reported that he would be killed unless occupation forces released all Iraqi prisoners. After Fox News confirmed his beheading, Wassef showed up unharmed in his native Jordan. Throughout the three-week ordeal, the Pentagon scrambled to clarify the corporal’s status: away on “unauthorized leave” gave way to “missing” and now stands as “returned to military control.” Regardless, Naval Intelligence currently suspects Wassef initially abandoned his post voluntarily and fled towards his family in Tripoli. This version of events – irrespective of the abduction chapter of his odyssey - makes him a deserter, which gives him equal footing with the Commander-in-Chief.
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PUMPING THE DOG
7/6/2004
Because of a microchip implanted under her skin, Dharma, a black Labrador-mix, is on her way back to San Diego. From Seattle. Found wandering the streets 1,000 miles from home, Dharma was taken in by Karen DePew and ID’d at the local pound. “I'm thrilled,” beamed owner Peggy Russell. And she should be. Because had Arnold Schwarzenegger gotten his way, animal shelters would no longer scan strays nor would they be required to keep them for six days before administering the gas. Herr Governor was looking to save $14 million – less than one tenth of one percent of the budget shortfall – by repealing the Hayden Act, a sort of Geneva Convention for dogs. Though massive popular outcry forced the Gov. to abandon his plan, a spokesman for the Humane Society continued to fume, “That Schwarzenegger is one cheap bastard,” musing out loud, “I wonder if he even feeds that skinny-ass wife of his.”
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I'VE GOT MY DICK IN A PINCH
6/30/2004
The National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States is hammering out its final report and the facts are downright appalling. If one can thank God for anything on that September morning, it is that the commercial airliner ordered shot down by National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United Statesdidn’t actually exist. And neither, apparently, did Saddam’s involvement in the assault. The White House continues to insist on linkage between Iraq and Al Qaeda; a meeting between hijacker Mohammad Atta and an unnamed Iraqi intelligence officer in Prague on April 9, 2001 remains the centerpiece of their assertion. Yet according to the 9/11 panel, “Based on the evidence available – including investigation by Czech and U.S. authorities plus detainee reporting - we do not believe such a meeting occurred.” In fact, cell-phone records definitively place Atta in Florida at the time. According to CIA sources, the 9/11 ringleader was either casing naval installations or getting drenched at Disneyworld’s Typhoon Lagoon.   MORE >>

CATS AND DOGS
6/24/2004
The issues that will likely define the looming Presidential election crystallized on the front page of my newspaper where the following headlines were juxtaposed; Busted Clinton Slept on Couch, and American Hostage Decapitated. Both stories described men who had been, in some manner, caught -- and as a result would no longer enjoy any head. I can’t help but feel that life was more whimsical when we worried about who was getting rug burns in the Oval Office as opposed to our current preoccupation with murderous Islamic fanatics. To bastardize Ronald Reagan’s famous 1980 query; do you feel safer today than you did four years ago?
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NO TREASON TO CRY
6/16/2004
The Cannes film festival bestowed its prestigious Palme d'Or upon a documentary for the first time in nearly thirty years. Michael Moore captured the award for his controversial film “Fahrenheit 911.” Yeah, I know, the French also inducted Jerry Lewis into the Legion of Honor, but still, it bears noting. The Republicans can’t help but notice the groundswell surrounding the movie, which will be released next week despite the GOP’s ability to pressure Disney out of a distribution deal. A right-wing consultancy, Russo, Marsh & Rogers, cooked up a “non-partisan” website to dissuade theatre owners from screening the picture. RNC operatives fear Bush’s reelection effort won’t be immune to 911’s ability to broadcast the cozy relationship his family has enjoyed with the Bin Ladens and to remind the polity of the abject failure of the Iraqi campaign.   MORE >>

DESTINY'S UNDERPANTS
6/9/2004
Ten years have slipped by since O.J. Simpson butchered his wife Nicole and Ron Goldman on a quiet Brentwood street. Perhaps it was the nauseating prospect of Mr. Simpson’s acquittal that led Ronald Reagan to publicly disclose his own vanquishment to Alzheimer’s. A decade later, with the Gipper finally laid to rest, one still wrestles with which of these two-bit actors got away with the larger iniquity. The heinous nature of Simpson’s crime and the plethora of evidence against him are well documented. Reagan, for his part, is being lionized as the conservative’s conservative. Yet, in both his terms as Governor of California, general-fund spending rose faster than in the much-maligned Davis administration. Reagan also gave the state its largest ever tax increase.
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BRING BACK SADDAM
5/10/2004
As part of his quid pro quo with Al Qaeda, newly elected Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero swiftly pulled his troops out of Iraq and formally returned Granada and Seville to Moorish sovereignty. Truth be told, things weren’t going swimmingly down in Baghdad anyways. Since President Bush declared an end to “major combat operations” last May, nearly 450 U.S. military personnel have died (though Sinclair Broadcasting puts the figure closer to zero) while scores of civilian contractors have been kidnapped. Every day since Thanksgiving, the front page of the paper has shown a swarthy man triumphantly shouting from atop the burned out carcass of a Humvee. And only twice was it the Schwarznegger’s Salvadoran gardener protesting a reduction in workers' compensation benefits. Otherwise, the smoldering pictorials continuously depict Rumsfeld’s undermanned army getting its ass kicked. Muqtada al-Sadr’s Shites have taken over three cities in the south while a hoped-for truce with Sunnis has crumbled in Falluja.   MORE >>

THE MESSAGE IS THE MEDIUM
3/27/2004
With apologies to Marshall McLuhan, it’s my impression that we live in an era where we are no longer defined predominantly by our actions, but equally by the aural and optic stimuli that wash over us daily. Thus it came one week too late for Dan Leach that “Dawn of the Dead” buried “The Passion of the Christ” at the box office. Perhaps the Satanic overtones in the zombie flick would have allowed the Texas man to live remorselessly with the murder of one Ashley Nicole Wilson. As the coroner ruled the death a suicide, Leach was in the clear, until, that is, images of Jesus dangling from the cross proved too stark a reminder of Ashley hanging smartly from a noose. His conscience arisen, Leach watched the final credits, finished his bucket of popcorn and summarily turned himself in to authorities.   MORE >>

JIMMY DEAN FOR A JIMMY QUEEN
3/14/2004
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OF HEAVEN AND EARTH
3/4/2004
Well, it’s official: opening weekend box office receipts for Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” topped $70 million, putting it ahead of such blockbusters as “Titanic” and the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. After struggling to land a distribution deal, the movie has become the most talked about film since “The Jazz Singer” and its impact is being felt across the globe. In Jerusalem, an afternoon screening at the al-Aqsa mosque prompted hundreds of Muslims to hurl rocks on worshipers at the Western Wall below. In response, Israeli police in riot gear tossed stun grenades into the mob, which had overrun the square outside the Temple Mount. Although the uprising failed to produce any serious injuries, Gibson announced that he would soon team with Oliver Stone for a “Passion” sequel revealing how the Jews killed Kennedy.
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PRET-A-PORTER
2/16/2004
With the Academy Awards around the corner, many celebrities are consumed with what to wear. If the French National Assembly has any input, you won’t see any hijabs, yarmulkes or large crosses (sorry, Mel) on the red carpet this year. After Education Minister Luc Ferry reported a “spectacular rise in racism and anti-Semitism in the last three years,” a law was passed banning conspicuous displays of religious affiliation in public schools. While the legislation is seen as a victory for French secularism, World Jewish Congress VP Lord Greyville Janner was left only to declare that, “We are indeed doomed if we are to be defended by the French.”   MORE >>

IN THE HEARLAND
1/28/2004
A blistering critique from the Army War College says President Bush’s war on Iraq was unnecessary and has, “diverted attention and resources away form securing the American Homeland against further assault…” Penned by professor Jeffrey Record, the diatribe has predictably garnered little support in Washington. In fact, Donald Rumsfeld is so consumed with washing the blood of 500 soldiers off his hands that he hasn’t even read the darn thing. Secretary MacBeth notwithstanding, Pentagon officials publicly characterized the report as childish and unrealistic, yet it proved unnervingly prescient when a suicide bomb tore through Des Moines last Monday night. The assailant, Congressman Dick Gephardt, committed political hara-kiri in an attempt to take out former Vermont Governor Howard Dean. Gephardt’s attack eviscerated a quarter century on Capitol Hill and nearly decapitated Dean’s grassroots campaign. The Governor, critically wounded and squealing like a stuck pig, was airlifted to New Hampshire where pundits expected a partial recovery.  MORE >>

360 DEGREE RESOLUTION
1/12/2004
Can New Year’s resolutions be meaningful given the ersatz nature of calendars? While I’m not personally equipped to address the issue as I’ve always utilized the deficits of others as a measure for self-improvement, I can say this: The practice of segmenting reality does impose an arbitrary order on human endeavors. Even patently disparate systems (Gregorian, Chinese, Hebrew) produce a universal compulsion to hit the reset button. In other words, the water in the Ganges need not be clean on order to cleanse. Nonetheless, writing ’04 on my checks means something’s changed and though it’s early, this year’s theme has begun to appear. Duplicity. Or as Donovan put it, “First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.”   MORE >>

SADDAMED IF YOU DO...
12/19/2003
Now that the National Guard has been sent home and the search for Dru Sjodin has been called off, her family must sit through the winter with the grim reality that it’s not often a body dug out of the ground turns out to be alive. Saddam Hussein, however, is no ordinary fellow. The President said in a televised address to the nation that the arrest of Saddam marked the end of “a dark and painful era,” adding, “The capture of this man was crucial to the rise of a free Iraq.” Yet has anything on the ground really changed? Only hours after the former dictator was taken into custody, a car bomb ripped through a Khaldiyah police station, killing 17 people. The following day two explosions in Baghdad claimed nine more lives. Regrettably, nothing has obviated the massive power vacuum that rival Iraqis are trying, justifiably, to fill at any cost.   MORE >>

CHANNELING FDR
12/4/2003
In 1941, Franklin Roosevelt met secretly with Winston Churchill off the rugged Newfoundland coast. The two fabled leaders took an immense risk in waters lousy with U-Boats, but therein charted the course of World War II and its European aftermath. Bush’s stealth Thanksgiving performance carried none of the gravitas of his predecessor’s exploits – why only hours after he slinked away on Air Force One, Hillary Clinton sauntered into downtown Baghdad under the cover of broad daylight. On the ground for a scant 2 1/2 hours, Bush told a surprised gathering of 600 soldiers, “America stands behind you.” And he was half right. According to the latest CNN-Gallup poll, only 48% of citizens support the President’s war.   MORE >>

G.I. JOE, ESQ.
11/22/2003
Donald Rumsfeld insists that Iraq is not another Vietnam. And he’s right… it’s much worse. It took four years to rack up 397 active duty deaths in ‘Nam. Bush has done it in just seven months. In 1965, combat troop levels stood at 130,000, the same number on the ground in Iraq today. So the comparisons, unlike this Presidency, are legitimate. While students are yet to be gunned down at Kent State, Americans are beginning to sour on the war. Polls show that George Bush’s popularity is dwindling rapidly and when an Italian Provisional Authority official resigned after 19 of his countrymen were blown to smithereens, the President, shaken and distraught, fled to London.
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FOXY EYES
11/12/2003
In the course of his rampage through Europe, Napoleon observed that history is but a set of lies agreed upon. General Bonaparte, possessed of great intellect and having ravaged civilizations both old and ancient, spoke with great authority and so it’s especially regrettable that Les Moonves over at CBS never got the memo. All across the dial, conservative talk show hosts are grousing that the fraudulence delivered in the two-part miniseries “The Reagans” does not conform to their consecrated set of fabrications. After Republican National Committee Chairman Ed Gillespie angrily protested the eye network’s portrayal of Ronald Reagan, the Media Research Center called for an advertising boycott. In a letter to potential sponsors, center President Brent Bozell accused the producers of “deliberately defaming” the Gipper by unleashing “a blatantly unfair assault on the legacy of one of America’s greatest leaders.”   MORE >>

TOTAL RECALL 2
10/30/2003
When Donald Rumsfeld was dethroned as King of Iraq, he did not go quietly into the night. Only months ago the Secretary of Defense was brushing aside the media’s nettlesome concerns and predicting a reduction in troop levels. Now his tune has changed. While surrendering his scepter and crown, the erstwhile optimist remonstrated that the war is only getting started and that we are “in for a long, hard slog.” Our clumsy efforts in the Mid-East, he posited, are creating terrorists faster than we can kill them. The highly respected International Institute for Strategic Studies quickly validated Rumsfeld’s newfound realism, noting Washington’s assessment was “over-confident” and that our presence in Iraq has “inflamed radical passions among Muslims and thus increased al Qaedas’s recruiting power.” For all his vindictiveness, Rummy somehow dodged the wretched hand of fate. Condoleezza Rice had barely taken over as Iraqi overlord when the occupation’s worst spate of violence tore through Baghdad. The day after a coordinated rocket attack on the Al Rasheed Hotel killed 18 people, a series of car bombings at the offices of the Red Cross and several Iraqi police stations claimed 35 additional victims.   MORE >>

ODDS AND ENDS
10/23/2003
Is it any consolation to Rush Limbaugh that Donovan McNabb tossed an interception and completed only 9 of 23 passes for a trifling 64 yards against the hapless Giants? Probably not. The Eagles’ quarterback again proved feckless, but at least he was out on a field playing games. Limbaugh, for his part, never saw the light of day; his hours were consumed by endless 12-step meetings punctuated by quick breaks to slurp down plastic bowls of unsweetened Jello and supervised visits to the bathroom.
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RUSH TO JUDGEMENT
10/15/2003
The future of Siegfreid and Roy illusionist Roy Horn hangs in the balance after their famed Circus act went horribly awry. Though the duo have performed nearly 6,000 shows at the Mirage Hotel over a thirteen-year span, Horn remains in critical condition after a tiger suddenly attacked him during a performance. While their names will remain on the marquee, their act has been dragged down the same long, dark hallway as Gray Davis’ political career. But hats off to Montecore the tiger, who, despite his first time in front of an audience, had the presence of mind to haul his trainer off-stage before mauling him in earnest. The current theory working its way down the Strip is that a woman with an egregious coiffure startled the large cat when reaching from the audience to pet him. No charges have been filed against the animal but authorities may want to rethink that position. In Vegas, large-haired skanks pawing at passersby are as ubiquitous as poker chips; letting violent retribution go unchecked would no doubt raise the tide of bodily fluids sluicing down the streets.
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UPSIDE-DOWN MORTGAGE
10/7/2003
Boy, the courts have been busy lately. With revenue growing by 9% annually, litigation is one of the few industries not puking thousands of workers onto the pavement these days. Lawyers, unfortunately, have ample means for creating their own work, whether they’re suing fifth-graders for sexual harassment or McDonald’s for serving hamburgers. Imagine what your health insurance premiums would cost if doctors could spread germs on purpose. According to the Manhattan Institute, tort settlements (and this excludes tobacco) cost the economy $200 billion, or 2% of GDP each year. The lawyers cut? $40 billion. The fact that judges and most politicians are lawyers once removed only exacerbates the situation.
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I TOLD YOU SO
9/25/2003
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RECALL THE WITNESS
9/18/2003
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$EX
9/12/2003
Members of the Christian right are in a panic over the pending battle for legalization of same-sex marriages. Massachusetts may be the first state to sanction gay matrimony, but only because they’re still trying to erase the dark legacy of stoning heretics. The issue has become such a lightning rod that even liberal politicians are treading lightly by supporting civil unions while defining “marriage” as exclusive to one man and (save Utah) one woman. Protests outside Harvey Milk High School evince the paranoia is running a bit too thick and complaints that Madonna’s French kiss with Britney Spears went beyond the customary raunch of MTV are totally misplaced. The two divas weren’t promoting some “homosexual agenda”. They were promoting their really sucky albums.
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CHURCH AND STATE
9/3/2003
Down in Birmingham, church and state have been formally separated.. The Ten Commandments no longer preside over the Alabama state courthouse and neither does Chief Justice Roy Moore, for that matter. Moore was suspended after claiming he was exempt from the mandate of the U.S. Supreme Court because he answered only to God. This attitude, according to the state Judicial Inquiry Commission, is dangerous. It certainly didn’t help Terrence Cottrell, an eight-year-old Milwaukee boy who suffocated during an exorcism. The child had been wrapped in sheets while Pastor Ray Hemphill sat on his chest and shouted at demons. Now facing felony charges, the minister offered that although Terrence had died, the evil spirits causing his autism were successfully driven out.
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TRUFFLES
8/27/2003
With interest rates so low, Mr. And Mrs. Average American have been buying houses and cars they really can’t afford. While this habit continues to prop up a stumbling economy, there are other considerations. The flip side of this silver dollar is investors looking for income have dredged the barrel of suitability looking for meaningful returns. Imagine arrogant New Yorkers eating dog shit in Central Park and calling it truffles. Everyone had been selling paper, even Enron look-alike Calpine, which fed $2 billion of junk into our collective pie hole. Slowly, though, we’ve become satiated. American Airlines inability to peddle $250 million of convertible bonds marked a turning point.   MORE >>

MORAL BANKRUPCY
8/14/2003
In our last missive, we touched on your prostate, not with our hands and all, but figuratively. Scientific studies show that frequency of sex is negatively correlated to the risk of developing prostate cancer. One piece of supporting evidence is that, statistically, Catholic priests are 30% more likely to suffer the disease. The other 70%, presumably, are like Paul Shanley, accused of 10 counts of child rape.   MORE >>

PROSTATE OF THE UNION
8/6/2003
Uh oh. A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine discloses that the standard PSA blood test for prostate cancer may fail to detect the disease 80% of the time. This means that your doctor will be donning the rubber gloves for your next physical. But if the disease should strike, there may be hope. At Columbia University, lab tests show that prostate cancer cells are susceptible to Zyflamed, an herbal extract that includes ginger, oregano and green tea. The concoction acts as a COX-2 inhibitor (like Vioxx or Celebrex) and holds such promise that patient trials are slated to begin shortly. But what can we do in the meantime? In a discovery that rivals the harnessing of fire, Australian researchers concluded that frequent masturbation could significantly reduce the risks of getting prostate cancer. Semen, apparently, contains carcinogens, which need to be continuously flushed from the system. So now the same HMO that denies a liver transplant may cover Celestial Seasonings and Horny Housewives III.  MORE >>

SIX FEET UNDER
7/30/2003
On October 7th voters will decide whether or not to recall California Governor Gray Davis. The event, which could alter the political landscape of the entire country, was funded and organized by Darrell Issa, a former car thief and high school dropout. It’s no surprise with such a stellar résumé, which includes an arrest for possession of an unregistered handgun, that Mr. Issa is today a Republican Congressman. Having set his sights higher than four-on-the-floor, he now aspires to steal the Governorship. Many call his tactics mean-spirited and dirty, but they cannot compare to the way New Yorkers get rid of their politicians.   MORE >>

UGANDA VOTE FOR ME?
7/21/2003
Not even the most gullible among us can believe that Mr. Bush is traipsing through Africa because he cares about Africans. What he cares about is winning the election next November and that means attracting minority voters. Why, you might ask, would this President reach beyond his white, bible-thumping, anti-cloning constituency? Well, with the unemployment rate at 6.4% and rising faster than the death doll in Iraq, one of these bumbling democrats may actually have a chance. And once Liberia exhausts the list of countries we can take down in a microwave war, where else can the administration turn for poll ratings?   MORE >>

SITTING DUCKS
7/21/2003
64 Americans killed in Iraq since the President declared the end of hostilities. And He’s only 57, so congratulations are in order. You know like when some octogenarian shoots 79 on the local golf course and gets his picture in Sports Illustrated. I guess the right wing zealots who attacked war protesters as unpatriotic have gone mute. You can’t support the troops if you question their mission, they rabidly shouted like new-age McCarthyites. Where are the flag waivers now as we piss away $1 billion a week to watch our soldiers die? Here’s what is known today: Saddam is still alive having had no weapons of mass destruction (after the “91 campaign), Halliburton garnered $600 million in no-bid contracts and Blair Hornstine’s famous “no blood for oil” slogan was lifted from Jaques Chirac.   MORE >>

LOUSY NUMBERS
7/17/2003
42 military deaths in Iraq since Bush declared the war over, but, hey, who’s counting?

Not Vice President Dick Cheney who is busy repaying Halliburton shareholders for his Napoleonic stewardship of the oil services firm. The administration has ignored the Senate’s demand for competitive bidding on Iraqi contracts and has more than doubled the amount paid to Halliburton. But how far can $200 million go when pesky asbestos claims take $4 billion out of your hide and shareholders need $6 million more to stop complaining about deceptive accounting. By virtue of some Enron bookkeeping, the Veep claims no ongoing relation to the company even though he still owns a boatload of stock. These, mind you, are the same kind of no relations that Bill Clinton had with Monica Lewinsky.
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LESS THAN ZERO
7/17/2003
Light the coals; it’s the Fourth of July and the bull is set to be slaughtered. The SP500 is trading at 19 times earnings, spurning reports that both manufacturing and construction look like they’ve been on high doses of Avastin. With everyone from Wall Street pros to Charles Schwab customers frothing optimistically, I’m donning my rubber boots ahead of the great bloodletting. True, Greenspan cut rates again, but with Federal Funds at 1%, how much lower can they go? At least with the terrorist-alert rainbow, the government can keep adding colors. But the Fed can’t push interest rates below zero. The bond market has figured this out, raising the Ten Year Treasury yield by 20 basis points. So now, unfortunately, the bank is now more likely to repossess your house than to refinance it.   MORE >>

DRUG BUST
6/4/2003
Wall Street must be ignoring the latest Orange Alert as the markets have vaulted 20% since the Spring doldrums. That pales in comparison to the 45% increase in biotechnology shares. Even the controversial ImClone, which landed Martha Stewart in Federal Court this week, has seen its price double. Though the FDA has tilted towards drug approvals recently, biotech hype has always been supported by the deep pockets of the pharmaceutical industry. There is always, the story inevitably goes, a huge drug company willing to pay for the right to market the next magic pill. Thus the high risk biotech you just bought at 3000 time earnings will never run out of cash.
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CHAOS THEORY
5/27/2003
A recent poll shows that 66% of Americans can’t name one of the nine Democratic Presidential candidates. Or maybe it’s the other way around. No matter, the Bush reelection juggernaut looks invincible. Why then W’s Nixonian drive to alter the truth? Not that anyone’s listening, but the handful of Democrats not trained on the White House are crying foul. Senators Biden and Rockefeller have called the administration’s assessment of Iraq’s weapons program and the links between Saddam and Al-Qaeda “hyped-up”, or at the least founded on flimsy intel. Robert Byrd, who is older and therefore less constrained by decorum, called Bush’s case for bombing Iraq a “house of cards built on deceit.”   MORE >>

CARD SHARK
5/15/2003
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HOLY ROLLER
5/14/2003
William Bennett, it turns out, is a man of hidden talents. The former Drug Tsar has spent half his career scolding the country for its moral decay and the other half in casinos feeding his gambling addiction. His rare gift is not the straight -faced duplicity every politician carries in spades but a budgetary acumen worthy of David Stockman. Mr. Bennett dismisses his gambling over the years as a wash even though his wallet is $8 million lighter. Pound for pound, he’s made more money disappear than Arthur Andersen. Maybe the decline in standardized test scores can be traced back to Mr. Bennett’s tenure as Secretary of Education. Consider this: While high rollers always claim to break even Steve Wynn keeps building new hotels. Maybe you should do the math.   MORE >>

UNEMPLOYMENT LINE
5/7/2003
Where is Mark Fuhrman when you really need him? Probably in Central Idaho at some separatist militia compound, but that’s beside the point. If the marines and Halliburton contractors don’t find some weapons of mass destruction – and I mean soon – Bush will lose what little credibility he has left. W has already lost his grip on the economy, with unemployment at 6% and Alan Greenspan dissing his tax cuts. When the Fed chairman failed to cut interest rates this week, it became clear that the economy will need to implode by itself, without any help from Washington.  MORE >>

MAN’S BEST FRIEND
4/30/2003
Though Tariq Aziz claims Saddam is still alive, the CIA is dubious, noting the former deputy prime minister is miffed at his placement in the infamous deck of cards. Aziz merely represents the lowly eight of spades, number 43 out of 52 bad guys. As US and British forces round up more faces on the wanted list it has become clear that a broader coalition in Iraq would not have hastened the war. Indeed it could make the aftermath all the more difficult. Imagine painting miniscule pictures of Saddam’s most wanted henchmen on Chinese checkers or the strain of carving those images into bocce balls?  MORE >>

OUR OWN BACKYARD
4/15/2003
Like a prize fighter with a long reach, we have proved in Iraq and Afghanistan that we can defeat a distant enemy. What now that dangers emerge closer to home?  MORE >>

A REGULAR RIOT
4/9/2003
The French have stopped complaining about our Iraqi campaign only long enough to demand their share of postwar reconstruction. Dick Cheney shouldn’t worry if the citizens of Baghdad give any indication. It’s we Americans they admire and emulate the most. Only minutes after the marines toppled a statue of Saddam, with buildings burning all around, looters took to the streets and scurried home with leather chairs and desktop computers. Just like Tampa Bay after the Super Bowl.   MORE >>

SMOKE AND MIRRORS
4/2/2003
One of the unintended consequences of liberating Iraq’s Shiite population is the daily Anti-American protest. As soldiers give way to politicians, the situation is decaying into a cesspool of absurdity: Chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix wants to return to Iraq to supervise the demolition of weapons of mass destruction which he claims don’t exist.  MORE >>

WAR ON $10 A DAY
3/26/2003
Dissention in the ranks? U.S. Army officers are calling Donald Rumsfield the new Robert McNamara and complain that the Iraqi war plan is feckless. Colin Powell’s doctrine of overwhelming force has been discarded for more minimalist version of war which relies on Iraqi civilians welcoming us with fresh coffee and a bagel. A colonel, frustrated by the lack of American ground forces, called the Defense Secretary “cheap.”
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MIGHTY CASEY
3/11/2003
The unemployment rate rose to 5.8% as the economy gave up 308,000 jobs last month. It’s evident as the Dow heads back to 7200 that the market isn’t buying any of this sophistry that the downfall can be explained away by the call up of military reserves. The White House’s own figures show the deficit at record levels. All of which sent the dollar to four-year lows against the euro despite a 25 basis point rate cut from the European Central Bank.   MORE >>

AXIS OF IDIOCY
3/6/2003
Devoid of any coherent strategy from the White House, the situation in North Korea is rapidly escalating out of control. When Pyongyang removed cameras and sensors from a dormant nuke plant, we sent up spy planes to confirm resumption of their nuclear weapons program. Intercepting our surveillance aircraft with MIG fighters has induced 24 U.S. bombers to be deployed in Guam. A few small missteps and we are miles down the Cold – War Road. How did we get from the “axis of evil” to the brink of full thermonuclear exchange? Probably the same way that a bag of fajitas precipitated indictments of six high ranking San Francisco police officers.  MORE >>

REMOTELY DANGEROUS
3/3/2003
The only war on the boob tube these days is the scuffle over network ratings and the collateral damage from reality programming. Alleged killers Robert Blake and Robert Chambers air competing interviews as a distressed America anticipates the George Bush -Saddam Hussein debates. Our President will be hard pressed to sell the Iraqis on the merits of democracy after that rip-off in Florida, though Saddam, for his part, will need to explain that messy incident with mustard gas.
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TOWER OF BABEL
2/25/2003
It seems like the good old days when long hair and Vietnam split our country apart. Police met 3,000 anti-war protesters in Colorado Springs with riot gear and tear gas, arresting a dozen in the process.  MORE >>

TEA FOR TWO
2/20/2003
Days after the space shuttle disintegrated over Texas, anti-aircraft batteries were deployed around Washington D.C. An orange terror alert pushed the Dow below 8,000 and further crippled a sagging dollar.   MORE >>

HIGH INFIDELITY
1/31/2003
A milestone of my advancing years is the realization that the music which shaped my adolescence, once labeled anti-establishment, is now considered old-school. Growing old, therefore, means growing less cool. Eminem laments that his music has lost meaning now his that his CDs are being snapped up by the very parents he’s trying to alienate. If you rage against the machine from a minivan with Bob the Builder sun shades, will anyone listen? Maybe this is what drove Kurt Cobain to the end of the road. It seems though, that child porn cuts across musical genres as both Pete Townshend and R Kelly were arrested last week for possession of images unsuitable for viewing. My God! Who’s next, Raffi?  MORE >>

SUPERSIZE THAT DEFECIT?
1/29/2003
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CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
1/21/2003
The recent flurry of bad economic news is fast becoming a blizzard. A week after learning that payrolls unexpectedly fell 110,000, we are buffeted by faltering consumer sentiment, shrinking industrial production and a record trade deficit. Things are so bad that the Japanese are dumping U.S. assets and plowing their money into Europe. And capacity utilization of 75% means capital spending will remain in the doldrums even if Greenspan takes interest rates to zero.   MORE >>

KOREAN BBQED
1/8/2003
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AULD LANG SYNE
1/4/2003
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MASTERS WITHOUT SLAVES
12/21/2002
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BUSH REDUX
12/10/2002
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RIYADH COUPLE
12/3/2002
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HOLIDAY SEASON
11/22/2002
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BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE
11/19/2002
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IRAQ CONTRA?
11/10/2002
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THE GRINCH
11/4/2002
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BANG BANG!
10/28/2002
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CLINICAL DEPRESSION
10/17/2002
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