Presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump lashed out after a series of pro-Hillary ads depicted him as a really bigly misogynist. He accused Clinton of engendering her husband’s affairs, adding, “She would go after these women and destroy their lives. She was an unbelievably nasty, mean enabler, and what she did to a lot of those women is disgraceful.” Yet the timing of his commentary only serves to remind us, as we lurch towards the conventions, that Republicans (and, by extension, Christians) are total fucking hypocrites.
Ken Starr, who as Special Prosecutor transmogrified the acarpous Whitewater Land Investigation into the cum-stained impeachment of President Bill Clinton, has, in his current position as chancellor of Baylor University, covered up multiple cases of sexual abuse, at least eight of which were perpetrated by members of the Bears’ highly ranked football team. Two of the players exonerated by Starr, Sam Ukwuachu and Tevin Elliot, were easily convicted by the state, clearly undermining his claim that “acts of sexual violence contradict every value Baylor University upholds as a caring Christian community.” When confronted by the Dallas media, Starr preened, “As a Baptist institution, we are proud to report that at no time during the countless rapes which occurred on our campus was there even a single episode of dancing.”
Meanwhile, Conservatives remain utterly fixated on our genitals and our toilet habits. North Carolina’s controversial HB2 bans cross-gender use of restrooms, though it was enacted as a reflexive counter to a pro-LGBT ordinance passed in Charlotte. But right-wingers seeking bolster their case unwittingly shot themselves in the foot. To wit: Media reports were circulated exposing Chad Severance, an outspoken proponent of the “nondiscrimination ordinance,” as a convicted child molester. Because Severance was, at the time of the assault, an Evangelical minister preying on young boys, the obvious takeaway is not only to keep our children away from clergy, but also to acknowledge that our kids would be safer still with Chad dropping trou in the ladies’ room.
Yet this is nothing new; the narrative in North Carolina closely follows the script already played out in Houston. There, the city council passed a gender-neutral washroom policy only to see the Texas Supreme Court force a public vote, which predictably reversed it. This notwithstanding, state legislators, including Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, are clambering up the steps of the Capitol with plans to codify gender-specific — and, God willing, racially segregated — bathroom use. Even if enacted, though, the bill would fail to address the admittedly rare yet complex cases of penis transplantation and hermaphroditism. The whole thing is becoming far too complicated, and perhaps that’s why Michael Phelps dumped his intersex girlfriend and tastefully impregnated his far more conventionally generated fiancée.
In the end, the Christian Right’s assertion that any lack of eliminatory restriction will lead to widespread voyeurism and sexual assault is nonsensical: North Carolina’s law notwithstanding, any man can today happily saunter into the Tar Heels women’s locker room and start beating off; it’s not like there’s three TSA agents with a clitometer at the door. While one hopes the threat of criminal prosecution remains a deterrent to such behavior, I remain wholly unconcerned where Chaz Bono or Caitlyn Jenner takes a dump. My only hope is that they wash their hands afterwards.